The E-4 Option: It’s Our Only Hope

The E-4 Option is a non-nuclear alternative, and it may be our only hope. We’ve needed something like this for decades if not centuries (as you can see below). Do not confuse the E-4 Option with the E4 Mafia or Lance Corporal Mafia – one might be the only thing that can save our current military, the other two are what’ll be required to get it done.

What we have here is an extraordinary weapon in the battle against absurdity, institutional fuckery, marplots, and the worst of all: Commissioned Good Idea Fairies.

Grunts: marplot

This article originally ran in November 2013; recent changes in the Executive Branch have made it clear that not only does Chris write good articles, he’s prescient!

Cast from The Outsiders. — The E-4 Option will require a special breed of soldier: the kind who is salty and utterly empty of fucks to give.

The E-4 Option: We’ll need the E4 Mafia

Not the E4 Mafia or Lance Corporal Underground (Though We’d Need Their Help to Make This Work)

I have long spoken out (aka “bitched incessantly”) about certain things in the Army that drive me nuts. The biggest complaint I’ve had lately is about stupid decisions from higher up that make soldiers want to chew their fingers off in frustration. But I’ve always been told to offer solutions, not just whine about problems. So I’ve got a solution to offer.

My solution isn’t going to fix everything. And it’s not intended to prevent leaders from making mistakes. Every good leader has learned valuable lessons from screwing up, and no soldier should expect his leaders to be perfect. The wars we’ve fought since 2001 have been rife with unsolvable problems and gray areas which no leader, no matter how wise and brave, could perfectly handle. Good leaders are made better by their honest mistakes; we don’t need to “fix” those men and women. Instead, my solution is aimed at those who make decisions so egregiously stupid that anyone with even half the average IQ wonders, “What the hell could he possibly have been thinking?”

Here’s what I propose: we should assign every Colonel and above, plus certain Department of Defense civilians and every Sergeant Major, an E-4 to act as a sanity check.

Mind you, I don’t mean we should use just any E-4s. To be effective, they have to be salty, veterans of at least one deployment. They have to be smart rather than just smartasses. Preferably, they’re on their second ride as an E-4. And they absolutely have to be short, close to discharge, and with zero desire to reenlist.

In other words, they’ve been around, they’ve fought a war, they’re sick of the Army’s bullshit (or the Corps’), and they have not even a single fuck to give.

The Space Force wasn’t even a thing when we published this article. Hell, the Russian annexation of Crimea hadn’t even happened yet. Even so, you can bet these relatively new E-4s have a Mafia; and that they’ve developed whatever *they* call “shamming.”

These E-4s will shadow their assigned leader. They’re not his aide-de-camp. They’re not there to polish his shoes or clean his office. Their only duty would be to assess any decision he’s about to make. They’d be something like the modern-day equivalent of slaves who stood on chariots behind Roman emperors returning from a victory, whispering, “All glory is fleeting,” to keep the emperor’s head from swelling.

“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.” Joseph Heller, Catch 22.

Joseph Heller's novel Catch-22 is an excellent look at military absurdity and a shining example of why we need the E4 Mafia. — An (alleged) member of the Lance Corporal Underground *and* E4 Mafia, Hernandez is one of the world’s foremost authorities on fucktarded military bureaucracy and “leadership.” Ole Joseph Heller ain’t no Chris Hernandez, but who is? If you haven’t already read this novel, you need to correct things.

But our E-4’s whispers would keep our leaders from getting too stupid, not too proud.

As a reward for enduring the horrors of life among senior leaders, our heroic E-4s would receive a gift that generations of fighting men have desperately wished for. Only Specialists and Corporals with maturity, self-control, and a thorough knowledge of the 4 Types of Military Orders could be trusted with this gift. And while the gift might seem like pure orgasmic joy to those who receive it, it also has a utilitarian purpose. My solution will not work without it.

No one is suggesting we eliminate any Mafias or Undergrounds (we couldn’t if we wanted to, and we’re not even admitting hey exist); just that we put certain highly skilled mafiosi to work for the betterment of all. [Note: Qualification for the official SHAMMING badge should be limited to selection by the E4 Mafia.]

Our E-4s will receive a special dispensation, signed in blood by the President, allowing them to beat the crap out of any senior leader who desperately needs it.

Yes, this sounds harsh. But I don’t know of any other way to fix the problem. Appealing to reason obviously doesn’t help.

Good Idea Fairies

Be Gone or Be Beaten.

Here’s how it would work.

Our E-4s would stay in the background, quietly watching their assigned senior leader for telltale signs that he’s been struck by the Good Idea Fairy: fingers rubbing his chin, eyes drifting upward and glazing over from deep concentration, sudden expressions of rapturous joy followed by mad dashes to a computer to build a 278-slide PowerPoint presentation, frantic phone calls to bark orders at frustrated subordinates.

When they see those signs, our E-4s need to leap from the shadows, peer over the leader’s shoulder at his computer screen or listen to his phone calls, and make a split-second evaluation of the order the leader is about to give. If the order is something like “All troops, combat or support, need to get more call for fire training!” the E-4 should back off. But if the order is something else, he needs to shift into attack mode. And he has to do it quickly before the leader can give the order and cause irreparable damage.

Leader: “Soldiers should wear reflective belts, salute officers and carry their weapons at the combat-ready inside the FOB!”

E-4: “Come here, dipshit!” Crack!

Leader: “I think every soldier in the Army should wear black berets! That way they’ll all be just like Rangers!”

E-4: “Moron!” Whack!

Leader: “If we make every soldier put a green safety dot on their watch, they’ll think safety whenever they check the time!”

E-4: “Stupid motherfucker!” Pow!

Leader: “We’re going to create a special Drone Operator Medal, and make it higher than a Purple Heart or Bronze Star!”

E-4: “Stop it, shithead!” Smack!

Leader: “We don’t need to listen to soldiers actually fighting the war! The Universal Camouflage Pattern is obviously the best camouflage for Iraq and Afghanistan!”

E-4: “What the. . . you son of a bitch!” Whack! Whack! Whack! (I should point out that our E-4s wouldn’t be allowed to carry weapons, because in this situation numerous terrified officers would be standing back screaming “Drop the knife, Corporal! Drop the knife!”)

And so on.

I need everyone’s help with this. I’ve wracked my brain for years trying to find a solution, and this is the only thing that could possibly work.

Find E-4s who are willing to intercept and destroy the stupid ideas that have been killing us for years.
Write your Congressman to express support for my idea.
Send the President the Special E-4 Leader-Beating Dispensation petition and ask him to sign it ASAP.

Help me put this plan into action.

The E-4 Option is our only hope.

What is the E4 Mafia?

For those not in the know, the E-4 Mafia is, collectively, the Specialists and Corporals throughout the Army. By the time a Soldier reaches E-4, they’ve been in the Army a few years, they know how to take charge, they know how the Army operates, and most importantly, they know how to get out of work.

One might say that the self-appointed mission of the E-4 is to dodge work until awarded their treasured DD-214 after one enlistment. Or dodge work until they grow up, get promoted to sergeant, and maybe make the Army a career. The E-4 Mafia must decide to “Either die a hero, or live long enough to become the enemy.”

The Marine Corps has an equivalent. But since a Marine E-4 is a non-commissioned officer like an Army Buck Sergeant, the experienced E-3 “Salty Lance Corporal” has its own mafia: the Lance Corporal Underground.

While they might not realize it, the Army’s E4 Mafia and the Corps’ Salty Lance Corporals are on the verge of potential greatness. Our Vice President is a former Marine E-4. Our current Secretary of Defense is a problem-drinking, womanizing infantry captain with serious judgment issues, basically an E-4 trapped in a SecDef’s body.

If the VP runs for President in 2028, IF he wins, and IF he retains the current SecDef, literal and honorary E-4s will command the world’s greatest military. Sure, they might screw everything up and burn us all down; but on the plus side, our troops will never be forced to wear a reflective belt or carry a rape whistle again.”

This article originally ran in November 2013. With recent discussions of Russians in Venezuela (“Cold War Comeback!”) and other possible new uses for the military, we thought it time to remind everyone of a wonderful project that never quite got off the ground.

Watch daily deals from across the country in real time.